You
by princessg101
Summary: Based off the song, God Must Have Spent. Remus reflects on his life with Tonks


You

**A/N: Just a one-shot based off the song, God Must Have Spent A Little More Time. ENJOY R&R PLZ!**

Remus laid next to Tonks…his wife. He still couldn't believe it had actually happened. He married her. The feeling was unlike anything else he'd ever experienced in his whole life. Fear, elation, contentment, guilt, anxious, calm, so many things and yet nothing completely covered it. Before her, he thought his life was set in stone. He would be a lone wolf for the rest of his days with probably his best friend and his other best friend's son. That was it. Everything else was beyond his reach so why bother trying. Then she came…

_Sirius sullenly circled the cavernous kitchen in Grimmauld Place. Cobwebs hung like streamers across the pots and pans hanging from the ceiling. Dust raised in clouds wherever you touched like miniature white confetti. It was truly the most morbid homecoming. Remus stood to the side watching his best mate's pained expression with one of his own. They looked at each other across the table, neither needed to speak to know what the other was thinking. But suddenly the door banged open like a firework and this rush of vibrant pink flew in, standing in stark contrast to the dull aura of the place. "SIRIUS!" a feminine voice squealed. Before the animagus could react he was wrapped in the tight embrace of a woman with long, vibrant pink hair wearing light blue jeans and a purple top. Sirius, completely confused, returned the hug lightly and the woman pulled away with a pout, "You don't remember me?"_

_Sirius peered at her face carefully and for the first time since entering that dreaded house he smiled brightly, "DORA?!" She nodded eagerly and he picked her up, swinging her in circles, "My god, I haven't seen you since when I used to babysit for Andy."_

_Tonks laughed, "I know. Just for the record, mum wanted you to know that she never believed you did those things for one second. Neither did I." She tacked on proudly. _

"_Too bad the ministry wasn't like-minded," Sirius noted but still managed to be good-natured about it. "Anyway, do you remember this idiot?" Remus made face at being addressed thusly but was happy enough that Sirius was in such a good mood that he didn't bother complaining. _

_Tonks looked at him curiously, tilting her head, her brow furrowed. She said in a serious voice, "I seem to recall you snatching pieces of my chocolate."_

"_We were SHARING!" countered Remus a laugh. _

"_Was that what they called it back then?" Tonks teased. "Of course I remember you Remus, it's good to see you." She ran to him and pulled him into a tight hug. She let go and noticed a scar on the side of his neck, he opened his mouth to explain but she cut him off. "I know already, the real story too. Not that badly behaved rabbit garbage you two and James tried to sell me when I was five." Sirius let out his bark-like laugh from behind. _

"_You're okay with that?" Remus asked. _

_She shrugged, "Doesn't bother me."_

"_But I'm a werewolf."_

_She shook her head with a smile and bounced up to kiss his cheek. "So?" She left the kitchen to help the Order bring in some things leaving Remus and Sirius alone again. For some reason, the place felt significantly darker without her. _

_Sirius smirked at his friend who stared bemusedly at the door, "Moony….you're blushing."_

_Remus snapped out of it, "Just shut it Padfoot."_

_Sirius barked out a laugh again, moving to go help the order too. "It's a miracle," he cried joyfully walking out, not bothering to elaborate. _

From that day on Tonks became their sunshine, especially to him but for the rest too. She reminded them all to laugh, to relax, to enjoy life. But on the very first mission it became clear why Mad-Eye chose to take her under his wing. Her strength, her determination was unparalleled. She was the one who tracked down the werewolf clan for him to go undercover in. She was even able to identify which members who were most likely to support Greyback and who could be converted. She played her role at the ministry flawlessly, no one ever suspected her involvement with the Order. Even when Kingsley got some scrutiny she flew under the radar undetected. Perhaps they underestimated her, that was their mistake. She was a force to be reckoned with in combat. When the wands came out, gone was the bubbly witch and in her place a hard-core fighter, giving it all she had and holding nothing back. That day in the Department of Mysteries, she tried so hard but Bellatrix just managed to get under her defences and sent her flying. Remus remembered running to her, trying to see if she was still alive. He thought the hammering his heart was just adrenaline, the deep breaths were from exhaustion, the shaking because his limbs could not take the exertion. He tried every excuse in the book but the truth was: he was scared he was going to lose her. Then his best friend died. It was over. Everything came to a grinding halt. It was then she offered him a lifeline.

"_Remus I love you." Gazing up at him from her bed in St. Mungo's, covered in bandages, she still looked so beautiful. There it was, his chance, his opportunity to lose himself in something other than grief. He wanted to submerge himself in her love, let its waters swallow him. But he couldn't do it, not to her, he refused to taint her perfection with his ugliness. _

_He shook his head dismally, "Tonks, I can't." Even as he said it, he felt fissure crack in his heart. How many people was he meant to lose?_

_Her eyes watered, "You blame me don't you?"_

"_Tonks no," Remus was quick to quash that. He would not allow her to wallow in sadness…like him. "I do not blame you anymore than I blame Harry. Harry loved – loves Sirius too much, he couldn't not come after him. And you, you fought so hard, Bellatrix is the one who killed him not you."_

"_Then why…"_

"_Tonks, I'm no good for you. I can't offer you anything. I'm old, I have no money, not to mention my monthly problem which is not easy to handle."_

"_I don't care," her words slashed through the air. Remus looked at her shocked, her eyes were over bright and her mouth was set, it was that same look she had right before battle. "None of that matters to me."_

"_It does to me," Remus tried to be firm. _

"_You won't change my mind Remus," Tonks warned him. _

And he didn't. She begged him to change his mind but he wouldn't budge. Every tear she spilt was a stab in the heart. Then he made the decision to cut contact with her completely citing his mission with the wolves as reason for her not to write. He loathed himself for doing it but at least he was able to glean valuable information for the Order if nothing else. During Harry's birthday and Christmas it became clear that she was avoiding him now. That was good, Remus tried to tell himself. There was no reason to cry or have that dull ache in his chest. He had convinced her, he had made her see sense, he had…pushed her away. Everyone tried to convince him to go to her but he couldn't. They all knew she deserved better, she was too good, too wonderful for someone like him. She would always be his sunshine though, the bright ray in his life before he was forced to block it out. That being said, nothing could describe his alarm and immediate heartbreak at her drab appearance in the hospital wing. Where was the vibrancy? Where was the colour? Where was the brightness? It was as if someone tried to make a second one of her and got it all wrong. This was not the girl he secretly loved with all his heart. Did he cause this? Without even trying to taint her, in fact trying to do the exact opposite, he ruined her anyway. In that second, he hated himself more than any other time in his miserable life. He looked into her eyes, the naked hurt and wanting would have made stone cry. Then the Weasleys came in and the moment was over. But she made one last plea to him, he knew it would be her last. He couldn't look at her, even as he broke both of their hearts. She was gone, no warmth, no colour, everything had been drained from the world. Dumbledore was dead, they were on the losing side of the war again, and he had just forfeited his only source happiness. All at once he couldn't take it. He didn't care either, he needed her, more than anything.

"_TONKS!" Remus yelled, racing down the halls after her. She was way ahead of him but she turned at his voice. By the time they were close she was staring at him in shock and disbelief. _

"_What do you want Remus?"_

"_You," Remus panted, trying to catch his breath. "I can't do it, I can't walk away. You mean too much to me. I love you too much."_

"_But you – you said," Tonks stuttered. _

"_I love you so much Tonks," Remus held her shoulders. "So much so, that I want only the best for you, the best this world had to offer, and that's not me Tonks. It still isn't."_

"_Yes it is," Tonks insisted. "How many men would have even tried to sacrifice themselves like that? Who could possibly love me more than you? Besides, I don't care for the best this world has to offer. I care about the man I love, the one who makes me happy. That is most definitely you." _

They were married within a month. She was most wonderful being on this earth. She taught him to be himself again. He was laughing, he was smiling, he was happy. His life before seemed like a dim shell, hollow and bleak. What had he done before her? How could he have imagined that he could go on without her presence by his side? She was his strength and shelter, they held each other. Even during the full moon she never made feel anything less than a man, more importantly a man that was loved. Right before she left him in the basement to put up the charms, she'd smile warmly and hug him just as tightly as she had that first time in kitchen. Then when it was all over, he'd come upstairs and find her curled up on the couch, watching cartoons. She'd extend her hand and he'd lie down next to her, chuckling at the animated nonsense as if nothing happened. He felt whole, human. But the doubts still lingered there, on the edges of his mind and only amplified when she announced she was with child. He ran, plain and simple, no excuses. Of course Harry didn't take his bullshit for ten seconds, the way he spoke to him was like having Sirius and James rolled into one. In hindsight, he didn't really expect Harry to accept. How could you ask a boy who lost all his parental figures in the war to allow you to walk out on your own child? She knew it. From the second he re-entered the house –

_Remus wearily hung up his coat when a voice from behind said, "Harry shot you down huh?" The werewolf spun around to see Tonks leaning on the wall. "Hmm I see," she said as if he replied. "Must've reamed you out good, don't worry he still loves you and he knows you love him." She walked into the kitchen to get a bowl of fruit. Remus trailed after her, shell shocked and speechless. She sat down at the table, nibbling on some watermelon._

_Remus found enough of his voice to ask, "Is that all?" They locked gazes for a full minute. She could never hide from him, not that she ever tried. She knew what he tried to do, she knew and by some miracle she understood but that didn't mean she was okay with it. _

"_Never _ever _do that again."_

And he didn't. When Teddy came into this world, he couldn't bear the idea of leaving. Tonks lay exhausted after so many hours of labour but she smiled radiantly all the same. Why had he avoided this? Why had he WANTED to avoid this? Before Tonks, he thought falling in love would only be painful. No one would accept who he was. Now, holding his newborn son, she changed his world and everything that he thought was true. She was his own personal angel and he couldn't thank the beings above enough. He spent so many happy days with his family until Dumbledore's Army contacted the Order. Harry had surfaced, it was time to fight to keep his happiness going. Tonks refused to leave his side, not now. Whatever end that came, it would find them together. Side by side, fighting with everything they had. She taught him how to do it, to give it his all. She gave him his reason to live. The vicious fighting blared on all sides. Giants, dementors, death eaters swarmed the grounds. As fast as they could take them down, more appeared. He could feel it, their time had come.

_They braced against each other, dragging in air by the lungful. "Any regrets love?" Remus panted. She looked at him, eyes watering but shaking her head. _

"_None sweetheart, none at all." Tonks bit her lip and he knew she was thinking of Teddy but they were fighting for him. He was their life now. They were trying to make sure he grew up in happiness and love, even if it wasn't theirs. The memories swam in their heads, their precious child who would never know them. Remus thought of James and Lily, if this was the decision in front of them the night Voldemort came. Harry had to find out piece by piece the sacrifice his parents made that Halloween in some of the worst ways possible. But he knew at least Harry would tell Teddy, when the time was right. Hopefully his son would understand what his parents tried to do for him. "You?" Tonks got his attention. "Any regrets?"_

_He took her hand and held tightly, "None, thanks to you." Remus kissed her one last time, tears falling freely between them. Mama and dada love you Teddy, Remus thought as they gripped each other's hand and plunged back into the fight. The chaos was such that he didn't know when she fell, but he was grateful for that. He did notice her on the ground, finishing off his opponent so he could run to her side. He wanted to move her from the field but before he could, he was shot with an impediment jinx. He dropped to his knees, lying next to her. _

He could hear the death eater approaching, it was useless to try and fight. He chose to spend his last moments looking at the women he loved. She had reverted back to her natural form, dark hair and dark eyes. Her features were vaguely reminiscent of Sirius and Andromeda but all he could see was pink hair and sparkling eyes. The jinx was wearing off but not quickly enough, he did have enough ability to reach out to her, his fingertips just grazing her sleeve. Dora…his wife…his love…the mother of his child. He'd be with her again in just a few seconds, then they'd have an eternity together. No more full moons, no violence, no disapproving glares, no muttered comments behind their backs. For the last time while he was still breathing, right before the green light flashed, he whispered, "Love… you."

**A/N: WAHH I didn't mean for it to end up so sad **** I hope you liked it anyway. REVIEWS WILL HELP ME THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS! **


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